mostly quit smoking.
definitely started knitting.
ended things with wes.
dated a girl named kait for a bit.
haven't been sleeping.

these post secrets made my heart hurt a little.
too close to the year anniversary.

I just read these three wiki articles in their entiriety.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsidian
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perlite
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diatomaceous_earth

and was absolutely fascinated.

i am learning everything!
having a boyfriend is like taking a class that doesn't effect my GPA.

p.s.
apparently, the other night, after he finished a movie and i'd been asleep for awhile, he put on some sufjan, and he said i hummed to it in between snoring, and that it was kind of weird.
ha.

i think part of the difference between being a kid and being an adult is the reason why you do things.
kids do things because they have to or they'll get in trouble.
adults do things because they want to, they have goals, beliefs, and values.

i don't know if that's completely accurate, but it explains the difference in how i feel regarding saving money to pay my mother back or else she'll yell at me vs. saving money to pay my mother back because i want to be responsible and out of debt.

my mom's grandmother died yesterday.  i never really knew her, and SO MANY people have died within and outside of our family in the past year or so that it's hard for me to feel a lot of grief over someone i don't remember interacting with, but we were talking a few seconds ago and she was all flustered over something then all of a sudden she was like, "i just don't like it when people die.  it makes me think about all the people i like and how sad i'd be there if they weren't there anymore."
i started talking about how i used to think about what would happened if jer died, all the time, and how i figured i'd be SO UPSET; but now how i guess it didn't really matter.  i also said that it was kinda said if you were a person who someone would be really upset about them dying and then you did something that made them not really care anymore, that that was a pretty sad testament to how you live your life.

i understand how my mom feels.  i still get quite shaken up at moments when it hits me that i won't get to sit on my papa's lap ever again, or how he doesn't get to meet wes, or how he'll never see my children.  i do know what it feels like to imagine if the people i loved weren't there anymore.  and i would be upset if jer died, but it wouldn't be the same.  i wouldn't fall apart or beg for my dad to fly me to pittsburgh to help the family or attend the funeral.  i'd just cry, but most of the things i would've grieved about the loss of jer in the past are already gone now (like talking on the phone, dating someday, being part of that family, etc.).

death bothers me, but it's never very direct about it.  it sneaks up on me and scares me when i least expect it.  like, right now, if you said, "what if your mom died?" i'd be like, "oh, well, that'd suck a lot," but i wouldn't really feel one way or about it.  but some night, when i'm sad and lying in bed and my mom isn't home yet, it might occur to me that she could've gotten in a car wreck and i'll feel SO ANXIOUS and i'll have to call her to make sure she's okay, but still won't be able to shake the fear even after i talk to her.  or another time when i have a dream that someone is injured very badly or the dream ends where i'm unsure if that person is still alive or not, then i also will call that person to make sure they're okay and i feel shaky about it all day and hope i don't have a dream like that again.

accurate enough. i think maybe switch acts of service and gifts. gifts mean a lot to me. they reflect that someone has thought about me and who i am and what i'd like enough to get me something neat.  and i like to give people i love things that are useful in their lives. for example, i plan to get wes some of that mouthwash that helps give you better breath in the morning because he was talking about how he doesn't like to kiss in the morning because of yucky mouths.  which is normal, i'm just saying, kissing aside, i think it'd make him smile.  i also almost gave him a half gallon of milk the other day because we had two and a half gallons in the fridge, and he doesn't have any, but then i thought my mom might get mad if i gave some boy our milk.
acts of service kinda do the same thing, though.  like, make me feel thought of, and it explains why i feel so happy being able to give wes rides home from work and why i offered to take him to the sprint store when he was having phone trouble.
MAYBE I'M JUST INCREDIBLY FUCKING LOVING.

or maybe there's a difference between how i feel loved and how i show love.  like, maybe i like to show love through gifts and acts of service, but prefer receiving love through words and touch.  HM.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Words of Affirmation
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Words of Affirmation:		9
Physical Touch:		8
Acts of Service:		5
Quality Time:		5
Receiving Gifts:		3

Take the quiz

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality

According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as
Homosexual with some heterosexuality.

Complete set of results

Homosexual with some heterosexuality:		4
Sequential bisexual:		3
Concurrent bisexual:		2
Past heterosexual, currently homosexual:		2
Past homosexual, currently heterosexual:		2
Heterosexual with some homosexuality:		1
Asexual:		0
Heterosexual:		0
Homosexual:		0

Information

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was devised by Larry Kurdek, B. Berkey and T. Perelman-Hall. It is an extension of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, recognising that sexual identities can change over time, people can identify with more than one sexual identity, and that asexuality is a valid sexual identity. The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was published in the "Journal of Homosexuality" in 1990.

Take the quiz

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 3.38


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0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz


all this meant to me today is that i am a shit ton of queer.

today, i was talking to joseph, and he was asking me what i was leaning about being a lesbian from weston.
he thinks he's funny.
and he suggested i make wes a shirt that says, "i am dating the world's worst lesbian."  so i told wes about it as a joke, but wes was like, "if you make it, i'll wear it."
so now i'm going to make an awesome shirt that says just that.  i want rachel to help me design it.  there has to be a rainbow somewhere.  and maybe an arrow.